The Mel Gibson Arrest Report, or, Why Learning To Write Well is a Good Idea

I just got done reading the Mel Gibson arrest report in which it is described how Mel drives around Malibu wasted, tries to evade arrest, threatens the officers, verbally assaults them, and goes off on an anti-Semitic tirade or two. Though the report is physically tough to read (the version linked to above appear to be a scan of a fax), I thought it was pretty well written.

I'd even go so far as to say that it's a perfect example of the police report genre: concise, seemingly dry and objective, focused on a regular presentation of facts, peppered with such phrases as "the officer" and "the arresting officer," and always moving from point A (the offense) to point B (the booking). I wanted to read the report itself, though, because I thought it sounded odd that an anti-semitic tirade would have made it into the document. As represented in a few news outlets, what Gibson was saying sounded almost like nutty mumbling with little relevance to the arrest. This would make the anti-Semitic remarks possibly out of place in an arrest report where, in a sense, the author is charged with narrating events relevant in a prosecution.

But no no no, some of Gibson's bigotry was part of his direct threats to the arresting officer—"Are you a Jew?"—as he is also quoted as saying "I'm going to fuck you" and "You mother fucker" to the cops.

All no-no's. I almost hate to say it, but Mel would not score well on the How Evil Are You? quiz.

I learn from a few other reports that Mel's father is a Holocaust denier, and that Mel's own behavior while cuffed in Malibu is in some ways consistent with several readings of The Passion of Christ—a film I sadly missed in order to spend time sitting quietly.

So yeah: learn to write well, become a cop, bust Mel Gibson, produce a highly readable and detailed arrest report, and find your words read all over the world.


  1. And his "contrite" apologies for his alcoholism and his anti-semitism could make for some amusing CDA. Let's just say he puts the con in trite.

  2. Anonymous8:47 AM

    I honestly think Mel Gibson is suffering from some kind of paranoid mental illness and, like many people with mental health issues, "self-medicates" with alcohol, which has led to alcoholism. Substance abuse apparently cooccurs in a the majority of people with other mental health issues because of the self-medication issue. Tom Cruise is also struggling with some kind of mental health issue, and "self-medicates" at least with Scientology. Ironically, in all cases like this (cf. Michael Jackson, Andrea Yates, random reports of people running naked on the highway, etc.), the media does not focus on or even *mention* the mental health issue or potential but obvious mental health issue because heaven forbid we have a society in which mental health is something actually covered by health insurance or, gasp, accessible to everyone. Instead, it is much easier to call some people wicked rather than treat them.

  3. No doubt! The arrest report clearly describes someone who is not only drunk but unstable/delusional ("I own Malibu!").

    I have no comment on Mr. Cruise, however, as I have been working diligently all year to remain his #1 fan.

  4. Wait a minute: didn't I read somewhere that Gibson does in fact own malibu?

    thanks for the good giggle, BP.

  5. katka1:50 PM

    Happiest dang day of my life.

  6. (Does this mean I need to shred my copy of _Mad Max_?)